Underneath
by Tanny-san
Summary: RikuXSora Sora wants it to be real. Riku just wants it to be right.
1. Chapter 1

Sora sighed heavily as he ordered a second drink at the open bar of his parents' first outdoor gala of the spring. It was the first of many more to come, and as the first, the backyard of his Slenderwood home was decorated lavishly.

But it was, really, just like all the rest of the parties: smiling, greeting the familiar faces of neighbors and important higher-ups of his father's company; charming the daughters of his mothers _very best_ friends; dancing and pretending to enjoy himself before retiring late into the night.

_God_ but it was all so... unreal.

The outdoor air was mildly cool, but as Sora's eyes scanned his surroundings, he couldn't help but feel hot. All the people, the tinkling glasses and meaningless chatter made it stifling. The silvery giggles and coy ploys made by married men toward young women under the guise of a pleasant conversation (while their wives simply turned a blind eye and ordered another martini) made the insides of Sora's stomach twist.

But the thing he felt most choked by was himself. Another party, another suitable outfit, another charming smile plastered to his face.

_"You aren't really planning on wearing __**that,**__ are you?" His mother said in disbelief. "Really, Sora, it's the first spring gala. What would the neighbors say, you showing up in __**jeans**__. Haven't I taught you anything? Don't you have __**any**__ sense?"_

_Sora sighed, annoyed. "Fine, mother. I'll change."_

_"Sora, dearest, why don't you wear your newly tailored suit with that lovely Versace tie I bought you? I think that would look wonderful."_

_"Sure."_

Another night pretending not to be a homosexual who needs a fucking cigarette.

The clattering of glass grew louder, and the string quartet's music only seemed to be getting sharper and sharper as Sora's palms grew damp with perspiration. The garden was itching him now, and he knew he had to make an escape.

"Ah! Sora, dear, there's someone that I want you to meet!"

Shit.

Just put on the smile, pretend it's okay.

"Of course, mother." He turned to the young blond that stood before him, throwing on the mask of a dazzling smile as he extended his hand, grasping hers and kissing the back of it lightly. "My name is Sora, it's a pleasure to meet you."

Her bubbly giggle made the muscles in his face immediately constrict.

He didn't pay attention to her name, nor did he pay attention to the short conversation they had after his mother trotted away. He wasn't even entirely sure where he dumped her, or on whom he dumped her, but he didn't care much either way.

He had to get out of there.

As he pulled out of his driveway, lighting a cigarette, he wondered just when he'd gotten so jaded to all of this idiocy.

Sora wasn't stupid. He knew that he'd been molded from a young age to come out a certain way. He knew he was supposed to grow up, succeed his father's company, marry a beautiful little blond and live out the rest of his life in Slenderwood, having parties and galas and raising more Stepford children to continue the cycle.

But it all made him sick.

_"Sora, aren't you going to join the school football team? Really, if you don't, it will only show how weak you are. How are you supposed to prove you're a man if you can't even assert authority on the field?"_

_So scrawny Sora played football, and made his father proud._

_"Sora, dearest, isn't that little cheer captain adorable? Why haven't you asked her on a date? Oh, it would be so perfect, my little football player capturing the heart of a beautiful cheerleader. You really should ask her out, besides, you haven't dated anyone at all since you got to high school! Don't you think it's time you got around to acting a bit more __**normal?**__"_

_So shy, gay Sora dated the cheerleader. Because football players and cheerleaders go together, right? Football players and the boy's basketball captain weren't meant to be together. That was just __**wrong.**_

_**What would the neighbors think? And dad's company? What would the investors do?**_

Sora immediately lit another cigarette after his first, blowing out his anxiety in a puff of smoke in the cool night air.

What he needed was to get the fuck out of there. Just to get away from all the spoiled, self-absorbed people, half of whom couldn't have graduated Slenderwood High if it weren't for their personal tutors, who all but took their tests for them.

Sora remembered one girl even had a tutor take her notes for her in class.

Sometimes, he thought if he could blow it all up, he would.

After passing the pleasant little sign that welcomed the rich and privileged to the fucked little town of Slenderwood, Sora just drove aimlessly.

He really wasn't a bad guy. In fact, he remembered a time when he was a happy kid, pretty much carefree. But as he started to grow older, the demands just kept getting more intense, and that carefree nature just became more and more suppressed.

A sigh escaped his lips once again, and he realized he'd been driving for over half an hour. He checked his phone, which he'd put on silent -_ 8 new voicemails, thanks mom - _and immediately chucked it into the passenger seat.

Tonight, he didn't feel like going home.

So he parked his car in a car park just near the city amphitheater, and just walked, smoking, trying to clear his mind. The city lights and the sound of cars seemed to ease his mood. It was just so much more real to him.

There was something about Slenderwood that just made reality seem so far away. It was like that place was in it's own sort of world, where image was everything. Sometimes, Sora could swear everything was made from finely molded plastic, or wax. Of course all the faces were carefully painted on, and every image was perfect. No flaws, no tweaks. There were no drug addicts in Slenderwood, there were just people who had gone on "trips to a foreign country" for a few weeks, only after they'd begun looking like shit. No one ever committed adultery; all the new fur coats and diamonds bought for wives were just little ways of saying "I love you."

And no one was _ever_ gay.

The brown haired man unleashed yet another sigh, attempting to get the frustration and weight out and off of him. What had happened to him, really? He used to be so optimistic, so _sure_ that one day he'd be able to escape, and live on his own. But something, he supposed, had pressured him. Maybe it was just the way Slenderwood _was._ Maybe you just couldn't escape it.

Sora paused and sat down at a bus stop in front of some bar, not noticing anyone else around him, and just put his head in his hands.

He only barely registered the flick of a lighter sounding.

"What's so fucked about _your_ life that you can't smile?" A voice asked.

Sora looked over, eyeing the other man with tired eyes. The man sitting next to him was stunning, really; long silver hair framed his pale, angular face, and his eyes were a bright aquamarine.

The silver haired man smirked a bit, taking another drag of his cigarette.

Sora didn't even think. "How fake it all is."

The other man seemed satisfied with that answer.

"I'm Riku, by the way."

Sora glanced at the man again out of the corner of his eye.

"Sora."

Riku's smirk grew slightly wider as he crossed his legs and stretched his arms out on the back of the bench.

"Where ya headed?"

"Just... out of here, for now. Sometimes you just have to get away from it."

The brunet looked at Riku, who had shut his eyes, holding his cigarette firmly between his lips. He puffed for a moment, before taking it out, eyes still closed in thought.

"Sorry for earlier. You just don't seem like someone who has a lot he should be worrying about."

Sora's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

Those brilliant aquamarine eyes opened slowly.

"Just look at the way you dress. Don't have any money worries. So what else could be bothering you? But when you said that, I guess I understood." Riku explained.

Sora lit another cigarette.

"So, advice from a stranger, because my bus is here, and I gotta go." Riku threw the rest of his cigarette on the ground, stamping it out. "_Make _it real."

And inadvertently, Sora found himself on the bus next to Riku.

"So what's so great about your life that you _can_ smile?" Sora asked, feeling irritated but not wanting to be alone. Besides, Riku and every other person on that bus felt more solid to him than every person he'd left at that party.

"Absolutely nothing. In fact, I don't smile." Riku said, looking out the window, smirking. "I just smirk at how ridiculous life is."

Sora snorted. "What's so ridiculous about it?"

Riku's eyes closed again, and the smirk faded.

"How wrong everything is. How it's always wrong."

They didn't speak again, even when Riku got off at a stop where a bunch of drab looking apartments were crammed together.

Sora rode the bus until it came to it's final stop. He found a pay phone and called a taxi, rode back to his car, and drove home.

-------------------------------

"Do you have _any _idea how bad it looks for you to just _leave_ your own party!? You embarrassed the entire family, made your father look bad in front of the people who work _under_ him, made _me_ look like I hadn't raised you properly-!"

Sora sighed deeply, feeling all the more tired.

"Yeah, mom, I _fucking_ get it."

She gasped, affronted. "Don't you talk to _me_ like that, young man! I am your _mother_, and you will treat me with _respect_. My God, Sora, you're nearly twenty-four! Quit acting like a hormonal teenager!"

There was a pause. "Okay, I'm sorry. I just... I don't know what happened."

She stood quietly, glaring at her only son. "Well it better _not_ happen again."

------------------------------

_Shit._ It was another party, more faces, more hollow plastic, and another panic attack.

And once again Sora found himself in his car, trying hard not to stop and buy a pack of cigarettes. He'd been trying to quit.

He didn't know why he suddenly couldn't stand it anymore... He'd been doing it for _years._ Just... _faking it._ It had gotten so easy that he wasn't even sure he had a real self anymore, but rather might just be another empty shell wandering around those parties trying to fill himself with alcohol and flighty, superfluous fake relationships.

But he wasn't quite there yet. And maybe there was still time to fix it.

And walking through the city, he came to the same bus stop in front of the same bar.

And met the same man.

Riku's eyes met Sora's, and as Sora sat down, the other man had only one question.

"Is it still fake?"

"Yeah."

"Then get the hell out of it."

But apparently Sora had arrived later than last time, because the bus had picked Riku up before any response could be given.

-----------------------

The next day Sora packed his things, and, without a word, left his house. He wired some money into a private account to get him started, and flipped off the Slenderwood sign as he drove out of there going as fast as he could.

He didn't know where he was going, or where he was going to live. All he knew was that he was _going._

But he found himself near the bus stop were he saw Riku get off the bus, the one time he rode with him. At least he thought it might be somewhere near that area. The apartments looked shit enough.

He didn't know why he was here. But the city... it felt more real. And that was what he was looking for, right?

So Sora parked his car, and walked into the first building he saw to rent an apartment, feeling his lips quirk up at how ridiculous this all was.

It was the start of the first smile he'd _really had_ in a long time.

And as it turns out, he was right about the bus stop. He saw Riku there every day as he looked out his window in the early evening.

And every morning at two thirty, he'd be back.

Sora found himself slowly beginning to admire the other man from afar. He was really quite handsome, with the features of a model. Sora couldn't help but wonder if he was gay or not.

He found himself kind of hoping he was.

The brunet had gotten rid of his cell, chucked it in the garbage the day he left home, and hadn't had any contact with his parents in a week. And he had to admit to himself, as he stretched out on the couch to watch cartoons, it was _quite_ nice.

After another day or two, Sora sold his car. He didn't really have any need for it anymore; he could just ride the bus. And with Riku there, it sounded rather appealing.

So Sora got the night shift waiting at a restaurant, immediately hired as he was more than qualified, and on his first night of the job, sat down next to Riku at the stop.

"You seem better," Riku said in greeting, that ever-present smirk gracing his face. "Finding anything real yet?"

Sora smiled at Riku, "Not completely, but it's getting there."

"Ah," Riku replied, lighting himself up a cigarette and crossing his legs. "So this is a different bus stop. Plus, it's so much earlier," the silver haired man shook his head, "You really shouldn't go wandering random places all the time."

Sora's smile just brightened, ever so slightly. "Actually, I live around here now. I decided to _get the hell out._"

Riku laughed as Sora repeated the words the other had said to him days and days ago. "So, what, are you stalking me now?"

It was Sora's turn to shake his head as they got on the bus. "Maybe."

--------------------

It was like that for a few days. Every day, they'd ride the bus together to their respective jobs, and every night they'd ride back. Sora found out that Riku was a bartender at the bar where the bus stop was where they'd originally met. Riku found out Sora was from some ridiculously wealthy family.

Sora found out that Riku was having some financial troubles, and had been orphaned at age seventeen, and hadn't been able to pay for more than a year of college after that. Riku found out that Sora thought everyone in Slenderwood was sickly plastic with no substance.

Riku also found out that Sora had grown up with no room to build a personality.

Sora was finding out just what that personality was.

"What's up, Ri?" Sora greeted one day, dressed in his standard white shirt, black tie, and black pants. Uniform, and all. He was smiling brightly.

"Hey spikes, what's shakin?"

"My sweet pumpkin butt, that's what!" Sora replied, laughingly, shaking his hips for effect.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so like himself.

That he felt _real._

"Mm, keep doing that and I might not make it to work." Riku winked, and Sora found himself blushing.

"Hey Riku, can I tell you something?"

The other man turned to the brunet, flicking a cigarette butt over his shoulder.

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

Sora thought for a moment. "I dunno if I told you, but I'm gay." He watched Riku for his reaction, but Riku only kept looking at him.

"And...?"

Sora blushed again. God, since when did he _ever _blush?

He supposed that his masks were slowly caving in.

"Well, I guess I just wanted to say that. I mean, I've never gotten to say it to anyone else before. You know, my parents and all."

Riku only laughed, mussing up Sora's untamable hair with one hand.

"Sora, you really are ridiculous. It's cool that you're gay. I mean, half the people around here are too."

But for Sora, that laugh and that relief... Well, that was something that he'd always wanted. He was being accepted for who he was, and not because he was dating the high school cheerleader.

"You know, Ri?" Sora said as they boarded the bus. "It's good not to have to date the cheerleader anymore."

But Riku only continued snickering. "Yo, Sora. You're one weird little man."

Sora snorted, indignant. "I'm not _that_ much smaller than you, asshole."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, little guy."

"Hey!"

And that was how they settled into a comfortable friendship.

-------------------------

Three days passed. Three days, and no Riku to be seen at any bus stop anywhere. Sora didn't know where he lived, or any phone number that he had, so he just had to wait to see where Riku was.

And it was walking back from the grocery that Sora figured out where Riku had been for the past few days. Because, well, up against the wall of the apartment building across from Sora's, was Riku. With another man.

And that was how Sora found out Riku was gay. Or bi. Or something. Really, Riku could have just _told him._ What a shit way to find something out about a friend.

Sora couldn't help how unhappy he felt as he trudged up the stairs to put away his groceries and get ready for work. His mood was so sour... And he couldn't really figure out why.

Sure, he was attracted to Riku, but who wouldn't be? Riku was beautiful. And he was hilarious, even if most of his humor came from some kind of dark sarcasm or weird playfulness. And he was Sora's friend, his first _real_ friend, and maybe, just maybe, Sora was attached to that something real that he'd found.

Maybe he was a little more attached than he'd like to admit.

So when he saw Riku that evening at the bus stop, he didn't really bother to greet him. Until he noticed how much like hell Riku looked.

His normally bright eyes were almost dead, and he had bags under his eyes like he hadn't slept in days. His pale skin seemed almost transparent, and his usual smirk was nowhere to be seen. Even his hair was unkempt, looking like it hadn't been brushed at all that day.

"You look awful."

Riku glanced at Sora.

"I _feel_ awful."

Sora thought for a moment.

"What's so fucked about your life that you can't smile?" He asked, feeling annoyed, and wanting to throw the question back at Riku now that he was the vulnerable one.

But once the question was out of his mouth, Sora regretted the harsh wording. There was a twist in his stomach that reminded him of the men cheating on their wives, and Sora decided that perhaps mean wasn't for him.

But Riku did smirk, just the tiniest bit.

"It's like I told you before. Everything is so wrong. It's always _so wrong._"

Sora sighed, wishing he could light up a cigarette. "Well maybe you should find something _right."_

_Like me._

The brunet can't help the irritation he feels with Riku being so down in the dumps. Sora was so annoyed at the fact that he felt bad for Riku after seeing Riku with that other guy... After Riku had hurt his feelings. Even if the silver haired man hadn't known about it.

Suddenly Sora didn't feel like going to work, and decided to call in sick.

But as he stood up, he thought better about just leaving Riku there alone. After all, he seemed like he was in a pretty bad place.

Sora wondered if Riku would let him help him.

Sora took a deep breath, and tried to ignore the fact that his heart was beating pretty quickly. He fished out his waiter's notebook and pencil from his duffel, and quickly wrote down a building name and room number.

"Here's my apartment number, where I live. Try not to lose your job."

Riku took it, and Sora turned away.

"Hey, wait a sec, Sora."

Sora turned back, heart still racing.

"Find anything real yet?" Riku asked.

Sora just shook his head. "I'm not sure yet. I'll get back to you, Riku."

----------------------

Late that night, Sora had the most real encounter of his life.

_Knock Knock._

He looked out the peep-hole, and saw Riku in tears.

"God... Sora, please let me in..."

Sora didn't even debate in his head, and opened the door.

Riku walked in, sat on Sora's threadbare couch, and burst into tears.

"Riku... What's wrong? What happened?" Sora tried, after waiting a few minutes for Riku to try to calm down.

But calm was apparently not part of the equation tonight.

"Fuck! Sora, I don't know. Everything's wrong!" He sobbed. "I can't... I can't get myself out of bed. When I do, I don't do anything I'm proud of... Shit! Why can't I do anything right... I've never been able to do anything right...

"Even mom and dad knew that! If I hadn't... If I hadn't been born then maybe they'd still be alive! Sora... What's wrong with me? Why does everything always fall apart? Why do I just _fuck_ these random people that I don't even care about?" Riku was crying uncontrollably, screaming and sobbing, and Sora did what little he could to try and hold him, listening to him with wide eyes.

"Riku... That can't be true... About your parents..."

"Shut up! If I hadn't been such a brat, and gone out to fucking _drink_ and _smoke _and _run away_ because I was too selfish to see what I had, then they wouldn't have followed me! They wouldn't have tried to find me, and they wouldn't have fucking _died!_ My god, it's all my fault, I don't deserve this... I don't deserve any of this. I want... God... Sora, I want to die. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

"I shouldn't have come here. I'm so sorry." Riku sobbed, somewhat more quietly, pulling his legs up and crying into his arms. "I can't function, Sora. I can't be alone. I'm so fucking lonely. No one will be here for me. I have nothing."

"Riku," Sora started, not quite sure what he was supposed to say or even _do_ right now, because the situation was so weird. "Riku, you've gotta think a bit more clearly. Just calm down... Everything's alright." Sora said, stroking Riku's hair as he pulled the other man into an embrace. "You can't blame yourself for everything. Especially not right now. Just focus on calming down, okay?"

Riku nodded helplessly into Sora's shoulder, still crying, still _sobbing_, his body shaking.

"Sora... I'm sorry. It's just... Sometimes it gets to be so much, by myself. I've never done anything I'm proud of. There are so many things wrong with me."

"Riku, if you want to talk, I'm here. I'll listen. You at least have me," Sora gave a funny smile, "I don't really know how much that is, but you've got it."

Riku half-laughed, half-sobbed. "It's more than what I've had before. Sora... I can't hold down a relationship. I... I've been in so many, and he hurt me _so bad_ because I was so _obsessed_. And I don't know how to fix how jaded I am! Normal people don't do the things I do, Sora. They don't go through relationships where they lie to people, telling them that supposedly the relationship means_ everything_ to them, and then blow them off for a cheap fuck, and then regret it terribly. Normal people don't do _this_! They don't come sobbing into some person's home, screaming about their parents and their own worthlessness.

"_God_, but I am worthless. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything is _so wrong._"

"Hey, Riku. It's okay. We all have our demons." Sora paused, unsure of what he's about to say. "I mean, I'm twenty-four, and I don't even know who I am. I have no real personality. I'm like a little kid trying to learn right and wrong and sharing." The brunet looks down at the man whose head is laying gently in his lap. "Riku, you're not worthless. You're helping me figure out who I am, if that means anything." Sora smiled slightly. "I'd still be going crazy in Slenderwood if it weren't for you."

"Sora?"

"Yeah?"

There was a small pause before Riku continued.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"...Sure. I'll take the couch."

_Or could I just hold you instead?_

And that was the night that Sora found out that Riku's parents hand been hit by a drunk driver while they were out looking for him on a Friday night. He'd run away after being grounded to go drink with some friends, and when he came home the next day the police told him his parents had died the night before. The driver of the other car had been killed also, and Riku had no one left to blame but himself. And blaming himself, well, it turned out that Riku was pretty damn good at that.

And Riku learned that while Sora's father spent most of his time out of the city, having affairs, and his mother stayed mostly in her "wing," Sora was raised by countless nannies until the age of twelve, when his mother decided to fire his nanny because it was fashionable for boys to begin to grow up when they were twelve. From then on, his only parent became the mold his mother had made for him.

Sora found out that Riku had been through a string of relationships in which things never quite turned out okay. His first love broke his heart when he strung him along for a semester of college, promising Riku that everything would be okay in the end, telling Riku he loved him, and seeing another person behind Riku's back. Since then it had been a series of boys that Riku had become fascinated by, fucked, and tossed aside. Or just fucked.

Riku discovered Sora had been in one relationship, with a high school cheerleader, that was entirely fake and full of sugary hollow kisses and touches that never felt right.

And neither boy knew whose story was more sad: they boy who had loved, been loved, and lost; or the boy who had never loved or been loved.

----------------------------

A/N: I'm such a crack head. I hope this doesn't suck. It's part one of a two-parter (I think.) Story based off of experiences I've had with other people and myself.

I NEED A BETA. I also need to not write after I have taken my sleeping pill for the night. But there's not much you can do when inspiration strikes, is there?


	2. Chapter 2

When Sora woke up the next morning, groggy with bed head and some disgusting morning breath, he found no Riku resting on his couch. Instead he just found a note.

_Sora,_

_Thanks for last night. I'm sorry I came over such a wreck. It doesn't really happen often... I guess I just kind of broke down. I had to go because I'm a little embarrassed about everything - but I'll see you at the bus stop tonight._

_-Riku_

Sora scratched his head, wondering at Riku. The other man was such a mystery; how could he go from being the cheerful guy Sora joked with and talked with every day to the man who skipped work for three days, fucked a stranger, then came to Sora's apartment sobbing?

It was all so strange.

But Sora couldn't help the fact that he was intrigued by the silver haired man. He was rapidly becoming fascinated by him, wanting to know everything about Riku's life and feelings.

Sora was really unfamiliar with this. With wanting to actually _know_ someone. Because where he was from, there was nothing _to know_ about other people. They were all the same.

So that evening, as Sora came to the bus stop, he felt his heart racing just a bit as he stared for a moment at the silver head that was slightly slumped.

"Hey," Sora said gently, approaching his friend.

"Hey," Riku replied, raising his head up to watch as Sora took his seat next to him. Riku suddenly turned his head away, closing his eyes and bringing a hand up to his forehead. "Sorry about last night. But thanks. I guess... I really needed that."

Sora shook his head, a soft smile playing on his lips as he rested a palm on Riku's knee. "It's alright. Riku, I think I needed that just as much as you did. Besides, nothing gets so bad that a talk with a friend couldn't fix it." Sora thought for a moment, before continuing, "I think you're helping to fix me."

There was a short silence, before Riku looked up at Sora, that smirk on his face, but his eyes barely holding any light at all. "Don't be such a sap, Sora."

Sora laughed. "You started it, doofus."

Riku snorted, his eyes seeming to brighten ever so slightly. "Yeah, but you're the one who got all 'Oooh, we're fixing each other."

"Shut up," Sora replied, but still smiled.

He knew their encounter meant just as much to Riku as it did to him. Or maybe it meant more to Sora, just to really talk to someone, to have that someone accept what he was saying, to listen to him. Or maybe it was hearing someone else drop all pretenses and really open up, letting _Sora_ really listen to someone else for the first time.

Whatever it was, Sora thought as he continued in comfortable banter with his friend, he was glad it had happened.

A week later, there was another knock at Sora's door - on a Monday night. Sora opened his door to find Riku standing there with a bag of Chinese and a bag of movies, specifically some older horror classics.

"What's up?" Sora asked, letting his friend in. He hadn't seen Riku since Saturday, when they last met at the bus stop, but Riku looked more bright and brilliant than ever.

Riku placed his items on Sora's small breakfast table dramatically.

"I," He began, pausing for effect, "Have decided to study films, and master the art of black and white filming by doing so! I've gotten this _fantastic_ work outlined, shot by shot. Actors and filming and editing... It's all perfectly planned out! Once everything has been put together, completely, I'll become famous for my talents." Riku said, speaking quickly, sounding for all the world as if he was dead serious. "I quit my job at the bar so that I'd have time to do this." Aqua eyes gave a stunning flash, a smirk appearing on the silver haired man's face. "_And _I think you should quit yours too, so you can star in my underground film," Riku finished with a flirtatious wink, leaving Sora staring, stunned.

Sora could only raise an eyebrow at his friend, smiling and shaking his head. Riku couldn't be serious. It was probably just a joke.

"Come on, Ri. You can't be serious," Sora half-laughed, "You didn't quit your job."

Riku gave him a confused look. "Of course I did. If I tried to do this _and _keep a job, there's no way I'd have time to really make it a masterpiece." Riku looked thoughtful for a moment. "Actually, I probably could have done both. But that job sucked, it was boring." The silver haired man said, waving a hand at Sora as if it were nothing.

Sora didn't even know what to think. This was absolutely over the top. And why was Riku talking so _fast_?

"Riku, are you on drugs?" Sora asked seriously. Riku only laughed at him.

"Hell no. I'm just excited about this. It's a new way for me to focus my life, Sora!" Riku looked away, a somewhat distant look on his face. "It's something that will give me some sort of meaning," He stated, focusing his gaze back on Sora. _God_ but his eyes were bright. "And I know I can do it. It doesn't take much, really. All you have to do is have a scrap of talent - look at the shit they put on screen now - and you can start a revolution! Think of it - the return of true, beautiful black and white, the silver screen becoming truly _silver_ again." Riku turned from Sora to grab the first movie of the night. "Anyway, we're starting with Nosferatu."

Sora only stared wide-eyed. Well, at least Riku wasn't sobbing. Besides, he was sure Riku would come to his senses about all of this in a day or two.

But he couldn't help but question his friend.

"Riku, how the hell are you going to afford this? I mean, actors, hell, a _camera_ costs a _ton..._"

"Easy," Riku shrugged, "I took out some loans."

Sora sighed. This was ridiculous, but there wasn't any stopping Riku.

"Whatever, Ri."

Riku suddenly looked indignant. "Don't doubt me, Sora. This is going to be a huge success, you'll see."

Sora only shook his head, giving his friend what was meant to be a reassuring smile.

At least Riku seemed happy.

And so they started with Nosferatu. Soon the kung pao chicken, fried rice, and lo mein were scarfed down, and they were well into House on Haunted Hill when Riku suddenly had the brilliant idea to go out on the town.

"Sora, this is a _celebration_! So let's go out and get some drinks, sound good? Alright, let's go!" Riku said excitedly, grabbing Sora's hand and both their jackets from the hat stand, before dragging Sora out the door. The brunet didn't even have time to blink.

That night was exhilarating. Riku was the center of attention at every bar they hopped to, danced with Sora at every club they went to (though Sora may have protested a bit in the beginning, it only took a few shots to get him out on the floor). Riku flirted and flaunted his status as a film director to every man who caught his eye, and though this irritated Sora beyond belief, he knew in the end it was okay, because Riku was going to be going home with _him._

And so it was, that at four in the morning, the two were riding in a taxi, headed home.

"Hey, Sora," Riku said, looking at Sora with blurry eyes and a cheeky smile.

Wait. A _smile._

"What'ssup, Ri?" Sora slurred, feeling ridiculously fuzzy from the rather large amount of alcohol circulating in his blood stream.

Riku slung an arm around Sora's shoulders. "You're all outta money, right? Well soooo am I. Soooo let's ditch this cab." Riku whispered, and faster than Sora could protest, shouted. "We're here."

The cab stopped, the door flew open, and Riku jumped out as fast as his drunken legs would allow, tugging Sora behind him by the hand. Soon they were running, Riku laughing his head off as Sora chuckled along behind him.

But Sora found himself feeling somewhat guilty about the poor cab driver who was currently cursing at them (rather profanely, at that) for skipping their pay.

Around two blocks, past a restaurant Sora frequented, a right turn, and they were home free.

By this time, those last four rapid shots that Riku had had at the bar were hitting him. He turned to Sora, and stumbled into him about thirty feet away from Sora's building.

"Riku? Are you alright?" He asked, concerned. Riku suddenly looked up at him, a devilish smirk crossing his features as he drunkenly flung his arms around Sora.

"M'fine. Except for there's this-" hiccup "-this one thing... Tha's been blothering me. Bothering me."

Sora's heart was beating twice as fast as normal as he held Riku around the waist, listening to him as he spoke only a breath away from Sora's own face. And then Riku leaned in, kissing Sora's neck, making a trail up to Sora's ear. The brunet shivered under the touch, holding back a moan.

This was his first sexual contact with a man. And god, did it ever feel good.

"I wanna fuck you so bad, S-sora."

Sora stood there, shell-shocked, before pushing Riku away gently.

"Riku... You're drunk, and I'm drunk. I don't wanna do this this way." Sora mumbled, face on fire. When it came to sex, Sora had no clue.

"Sooora," Riku started again, pushing himself back into his friend, "You've been teasin' me all night an' I can' stand in ny-more."

"Riku-"

But Sora was stopped from voicing his thought as Riku suddenly turned around, fell to his knees, and puked all over the sidewalk.

Sora sighed deeply, thinking to himself, _fuck._

He picked Riku up, and helped him into the the elevator.

It looked like Sora would be taking the couch again.

Sora was awakened at seven-thirty the next morning by clattering sounds in his kitchen. Riku was up and cooking? What the hell? Sora was definitely still drunk from the night before, the two of them having gotten in only three and a half hours before.

Suddenly Sora was struck by just what had happened when they'd gotten back, and was immediately blushing all over again. He peeked up over the side of his couch (he'd put Riku to bed in his own bed, again - it was closer to the bathroom in case Riku kept getting sick), and sure enough, there was Riku, hovering over the stove.

Sora all but tumbled off the couch, unsure if Riku would remember his actions from the night before. He couldn't even bring himself to stretch, he was so exhausted, and standing before him was a chipper Riku eagerly making what smelled like delicious omelets.

"Um... Riku? What are you doing?" Sora asked groggily.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Riku replied cheerily. "And what does it look like I'm doing, idiot? I'm making you breakfast!"

Sora groaned, his head pounding unmercifully.

"How do you not feel like you're dieing?" Sora asked, not quite able to even comprehend the speed of Riku's movement, much less copy it.

The silver haired man chuckled. "It's a gift. I don't get hangovers, sometimes. I think I might still be a little drunk, but no big deal." He paused here, turning and looking seriously at Sora. "I didn't do anything overly stupid last night, did I? I don't remember much from after the first club we went to."

Sora decided to let the fact that Riku apparently wanted to fuck him just slide for now. Instead, he put on a laughing smile that _was _still more genuine than the ones he gave back home, even if it was a bit pasted on.

"Well, if you don't count your shameless flirting and the taxi-ditching, then no. You didn't do anything stupid."

Riku laughed, smirking. "I probably made those people's night by flirting with them."

Sora shook his head, laughing genuinely now. "You are such a cocky asshole, sometimes."

Riku only flipped another omelet.

"That's because, Sora _dear_, I'm just so sexy."

Sora secretly agreed. As he let his eyes slide down Riku's form, watching as Riku made breakfast for _him_ in _his_ kitchen, he couldn't help but think he could get used to having Riku as more than a friend. But as far as he knew, all_ Riku_ really wanted was a good fuck.

_Knock knock._

Riku looked curiously at Sora, who was looking at the door, surprised.

Riku's eyebrows raised, and he frowned suspiciously. "Expecting someone?"

Sora didn't hear the harsh note in his friend's voice as he walked toward the door, unsure of what could possibly lie behind it. As he looked through the peep hole, he felt his heart stop, and his blood run cold.

_Mother._

"Fuck." Sora whispered, and Riku hurried over after quickly turning off the stove and loading the last omelet onto a plate.

"Who is it?" Riku asked.

Sora turned to him, his eyes wide and his hands visibly shaking as he put one hand tentatively behind his head.

"It's my mom."

Before Sora could do anything, Riku opened the door, scowling at the well-dressed woman before him. She was clad in a lovely yellow spring sun dress with white heels, large sunglasses covering most of her face.

"Where is Sora?" she sniffed. "And just _who _the hell are _you?"_

Riku stiffened, and Sora uneasily slid between the two, opening the door further, yet not letting his mother in.

She pulled off her sunglasses at the sight of her son, eyeing him up and down. "Why are you still dressed in your pajamas? And who is this man?" She said, demanding answers more than she was asking questions. Her face contorted in disgust as she walked into Sora's apartment. "Is this... is this the kind of _squalor_ you've been living in, Sora? My god, this place is practically _crude_. And it _reeks_ of alcohol."

Sora could feel his anger bubbling to the surface, but tried to remain calm. He really wasn't the angry type, but his mom was truly starting to grate on his nerves.

"Well? Sora, aren't you going to answer me? Who the hell is _that?_" She said, pointing at Riku, who was wearing only his jeans from the night before. "A better question would be, why is he not wearing a shirt?" She stopped, dramatically faltering and sitting down immediately in a chair. "Sora, don't tell me he _stayed the night_." She hissed.

_"Mom... what does it mean if you don't really like girls that much?"_

_"Whatever do you mean, Sora, dear?"_

_The twelve year old hesitated. _

_"Well, I mean... What if you like boys more than girls."_

_His mother's drink stopped half-way to her mouth._

_"Then you're dirty. Sora, that kind of behavior simply __**does not do**__ here. It's... wrong, and frowned upon. That's why all of our little boys like girls. You like girls too, don't you, Sora?"_

_"Um... yeah. Of course."_

**_(Weren't your parents supposed to love you no matter what?)_**

_Date the cheerleader. _

_Smile._

_Look confident, Sora._

_Sora, wear __**this.**_

_Stop always letting things slide, Sora, it makes you look like a pathetic person._

_Sora, could you please act like a__** normal**__ boy and quit running around playing hide and seek? Really, you're almost eleven._

_No, Sora, I don't think that would be a good color to paint your room. This one is better, isn't it?_

_Sora, you should really work harder in school. _

_Sora, why don't you go out more? You really should have more friends. _

_Put on your mask, Sora, so no one will know. Wear it until you don't know who you are anymore._

Something inside of Sora snapped.

"Maybe he did, mom. Maybe he stayed the night, and maybe we had sex." Sora stated, trying to fight down a blush, especially since what he said wasn't true. "Maybe we're dating. Maybe I'm _fucking gay!_

"Maybe, just maybe, _mother,_ I wanted to get away from _you_ and all those ridiculous people! Do you even know what you're really like mom? Do you know that you're a condescending bitch? Were you molded that way, to raise up more condescending, conforming little shits to live in that hell-hole? Hell, maybe you were born that way, I don't know! But what I do know is you _aren't going to control me anymore_. I dated the damn cheer leader, but guess what, I was gay then too!

"And I like where I live. It's more real than everything _fake _that's been bought with a bastard's money. It's better than flaunting diamonds my husband bought for me because I caught him cheating _again_. It's better than sweeping a dirty little secret under the rug. I can be a _person_ here, not some creepy _image _made up by you and all you're crazy friends!"

Sora stopped, panting, watching as his mother took in all of his words coldly. She flipped her hair back before opening her mouth.

"You absolutely ungrateful little_ brat._ How dare you say that after how _hard_ I've worked for you! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep up the pretense that our family is the best? Do you have _any idea_ how hard it was to keep you from going completely off the charts and disgracing us?" She said, voice cold as ice, face visibly tightened with barely checked rage. She eyed Riku before continuing, "But now look at you. You're a _fag. _You've completely disgraced us, first by just disappearing - I had to tell all the neighbors that you'd gone to visit a cousin - and now by dragging _that _around behind you." She scoffed, once again pointing at Riku.

Sora had barely taken a breath to respond before Riku bit into the conversation.

"Listen, bitch," Riku snapped. "You don't know how lucky you are to fucking _have_ a son. The least you could do is to try to let him be happy, not force him into the same fucked up childhood that you had. He's not some piece of fucking clay you can shape into the perfect son - nobody's fucking perfect. And wouldn't you know about the lack of perfection." Now Riku's features were tucked back into an evil smirk, his eyes frigid as he stared at the woman seated before him. "After all, how many lies does it take to convince yourself you're happy? How does it _really_ feel, being in a loveless marriage with a man who married you because you _looked_ good. And I do mean _looked._ How much plastic surgery does it take to keep up the pretense that you're a trophy wife to be coveted? How does it make you feel to know that you are _totally_ and_ completely __**miserable?"**_

Sora couldn't even speak, his nerves were so bad. He'd just exploded on his mother for the first time in his life, and now Riku was picking at the woman like was the last few pieces of good meat on a bone.

She was instantly on her feet, and as she opened the door, with her back turned to Sora, she stated, "Do not come home."

And then she was gone, leaving only the lingering scent of perfume.

That day Sora learned that he could stand up for himself, and that he really couldn't be cruel to people the way Riku could.

Even if he didn't love them.

Because that day, Sora also learned that he'd never really loved his mother. And that she had, in turn, had never really loved him.

The next day Sora called in his job and told them he needed to quit for emotional reasons. They decided to fire him, seeing as he'd missed two days for no reason in the past week. Sora was perfectly okay with that.

The next few nights Sora spent going out with Riku, but Riku never quite got as drunk as he did on their first excursion. Yet Riku never seemed to _sleep_. He'd cook Sora breakfast early, and after Sora ate and went right back to sleep, Riku would busy himself over the next few hours watching those black and white movies, occasionally going out and experimenting with lighting with his new camera, doing research, or working on the audio-visual script.

And Riku never napped. Sora figured the other man really only ever went back to his own apartment to shower and change clothes, and Sora never _once_ actually _saw_ his friend sleep.

There was no more of Riku hitting on Sora, except in their playful banter. They also didn't talk about Sora's mom, because Sora knew it was a subject he wasn't quite ready to face yet.

But every day Sora's mood seemed to grow lighter, and the world around him seemed to gain color and perspective. He didn't mind that Riku was all but living with him. In fact, it was exhilarating to have someone so energetic always around; though at times it could get annoying. Luckily for Sora, Riku had insisted on taking the couch now, because, as the silver haired man said, he was now more of a room mate than a guest.

Then one day as they were sitting on the couch, watching some old movie or other, Riku turned to Sora with eyes that were looking less bright, and suddenly said, "I'm going home. I think... I think it's time for me to go home."

Sora looked concernedly at his friend. "Hey, man, are you alright?"

But Riku only shook his head. "I don't know. But I'm starting to think that this-" he gestured to the TV, "-is the stupidest idea I've ever had."

"But Ri, I though that this was your dream." Sora said skeptically, sensing something off about this rather sudden change in attitude. As the seconds passed, Riku only seemed to grow more and more down, his eyes darting around before something in him broke.

"It was a worthless idea!" Riku shouted, standing up. "I just get so worked up over such stupid shit..." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I just need to go. I have to think. Things are just... they aren't looking good right now."

_But aren't __**I**_ _good?_

Sora hesitated before standing up to see his friend off. He hoped Riku would come back soon.

But days passed, and Riku didn't come back.

On the fourth day, a thunder storm raged outside. Sora was sitting at his kitchen table, thinking of something he could start doing to make money again. He'd majored in business management, after all...

_POUND POUND POUND POUND._

"Sora! Sora, are you in there! You have to let me in! Sora, Sora, are you okay? They didn't get you, did they! God, Sora _please open the door!_"

Startled, Sora immediately jumped up, and at the sound of Riku's voice, was pulling open the door in the next second.

"Thank God you're okay!" Riku sobbed, grabbing the brunet and hugging him tightly to his chest. "I thought for sure they'd gotten to you!"

"Riku, what's wrong? _Who_ would have gotten to me? Why did you think I was in trouble?" Sora asked, gently and slowly, pulling Riku off of him and leading him to the couch, where Riku laid his head in Sora's lap.

"God, Sora, didn't you hear it, _feel it_? I heard the gun shots, I heard you screaming..." Riku's eyes glazed over, his entire person seeming to pause in time for a moment before the thunder rolled ruthlessly outside; Riku trembled violently at the noise, coming to his senses, grasping at Sora with a renewed vigor. "I just knew that those fucking bastards were going to do something to you! They shot you, didn't they, Sora?!"

And suddenly Riku's hands were all over Sora, searching for a gun shot wound that didn't exist. Sora was so shocked, so completely overwhelmed and confused that he could only sit for a moment before gathering his wits and stopping Riku's hands.

"Riku, nobody has hurt me. I promise. There's no one out to get me. I'm okay." Sora soothed, running his fingers through Riku's hair. Those aqua eyes, whirling with a chaotic mixture of fear and confusion, searched Sora's confused face. Those eyes clenched shut, and Riku buried his head into Sora's shoulder.

Riku could to little more than sob into Sora, releasing another uncontrolled tremor as the thunder rumbled again outside. "I just knew it. They're after me, trying to take what little I have left. All the guys I've left... The people I told about this project... And that producer I called has been trying to steal all my _work_ and fuck me over... Everything is going to hell, Sora." He looked up into Sora's eyes, and the brunet was struck by how _powerful_ Riku's eyes were in that moment. His friend was truly terrified. "Everything is going to hell, and I deserve all of it!"

"Riku, why are you so scared? What's going on?" Sora asked, genuinely afraid for his friend's instability.

Riku sniffed, clutching Sora to him tightly. "Every other second I hear the gun shots, Sora. I know they aren't real, I think. Hell, they might be, but I'm scared. I know that they're after me; that's why I had to go home. Someone was going to steal everything I had, even the pictures of my parents. I didn't want to leave you, because I was afraid they'd take you too. But I had to go." Riku looked up, not quite facing Sora. "I'm so scared. I don't know Sora, everything is all _wrong_ right now."

Sora paused, thinking for a moment and trying piecing together what was happening before he replied, "Riku, everything's okay. And... are you sure the gunshots you're hearing aren't just thunder?" As if on cue, the passing storm unleashed another roar in the sky. Riku shivered yet again, clutching Sora tightly. "It's okay, Riku, just try not to worry. I'm fine, everything's okay." Sora swallowed hard, nervous about what he was going to say next. "You should stay here tonight, with me. I don't think you should be alone."

Riku nodded. "I think you're right. About the thunder. But... everything isn't okay, Sora. Nothing is okay with me right now. I don't... I don't understand what's going on, but I'm completely miserable right now, and I'm so scared. I just don't know what to do."

Sora held him closer.

And that was the night that Sora first decided that he was in love with this man. Because this was the most real thing he'd ever had in his life, and it was the first time he'd ever felt so much for one person.

It was the first time another person had ever made him feel good about himself, made him feel like he was still capable of caring for someone.

Because Sora had never cried for anyone else in his entire life. But that night, as he held Riku in his arms, falling asleep in his bed, he cried for him.

No kisses were exchanged, no erotic caresses were given. It was only a man holding a man he loved.

A/N: Well, this is chapter two, virtually error free thanks to my lovely beta, Clous. She was wonderful for putting up with my countless typos. Thanks so much to my amazing reviewers, who make me feel tingly inside!

Update: 3/30/08 - I stayed up late and made a few changes. Sheer boredom and dissatisfaction with some dialogue. Plus all my stories are shit, as I'm just now realizing.


	3. Chapter 3

Riku spent the next few nights at Sora's, never going beyond cuddling, but always sleeping comfortably together in Sora's bed. Sora spent each day chirping about his apartment, dragging Riku out to see movies with him, doing anything and everything to try and make Riku laugh.

Yet half the struggle, most of the time, was just getting Riku out of bed.

He'd lay there, seemingly comatose, but with his eyes open, just staring at the wall. Sometimes he'd cry, and Sora would just hold him, whispering to him that it would be okay, that they'd go out to the park and count how many kids fell down again, or they could go to a bar, whatever Riku wanted to do. But Riku never wanted to do anything.

Sora knew he was in trouble, because he was completely and totally encompassed by everything Riku. The silver haired man and his strange quirks had maneuvered their way into his heart; but the one thing the brunet didn't know was if his heart could stand how _intense_ Riku could be.

He loved the times he spent with Riku, but _damn. _The silver haired man would come to his house either sobbing, paranoid, or happier than ever... And it seemed to be different every other two weeks or so.

But it was helping Sora discover something about himself; when he loved, he loved _fiercely_. Right now, he would do or give anything to see Riku smile.

And so it was that he was trying again to get his Riku up.

"C'mon, Ri," Sora soothed, hugging the other man to his chest. "Let's just get to the den and watch a movie. And you can get something to eat... You didn't eat yesterday, and I'm worried about you."

Riku nodded, tears coming to his eyes again. "I'm sorry Sora, about all this. I don't... I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never understood why this happens... Why it gets _so _bad. But you're right. I have to at least move." Riku looked up at Sora, his eyes dead but shining with tears. "I can't eat though. My stomach feels like it's rolling. I just think... I don't know... Fuck, I don't know anything."

"Hey, it's okay. I mean, I didn't even know who I was until two weeks ago..." _After mom came and went._ "Just come on."

With Sora's insistent tugging, Riku was pulled out of bed, still in his jeans from the day before.

As Sora stood in the kitchen, fixing something for Riku despite the other man's protests, Riku started to talk.

"Sora... I don't know when this started, but feeling this... this _shitty_... Well, it goes back a while." Sora stops his bustling, leaving the macaroni and cheese to sit in the microwave, pausing to listen to his friend. His _best_ friend.

"It's like, since I can remember, things would just get so _dark_ all of the sudden. Like I can't breathe, like it's too much to even take on. I get so... overwhelmed. My thoughts, they just race, and it's like I list off everything wrong I've ever done and have the potential to do wrong... I spiral down." Sora could hear Riku sniffle, but knew it wasn't time to go to his side just yet. "I used to be on medicine, you know. Before my parents died, back when I could afford it." Riku paused here uncertainly, unsure of how Sora would take that news. After all, not everyone really understood what it meant. "But when they died... it seemed like the medicine sent me through the roof.

"That whole thing with wanting to go into film? That's not the first time I've done something like that, or gotten so paranoid about it. God... I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm so _fucking crazy._" Sora got the feeling that Riku was no longer speaking to him. "I just get so _obsessed with things_. With _people._ I can't help it, I just _need_ it. It makes me feel like I'm okay, like I'm not completely out of it."

The speaking stopped, and Sora went to the couch, only to find Riku sprawled out on it, looking more pale than usual, tear stains marring his otherwise perfect features. Sora gently sat Riku up, and placed the silver head in his lap, once again relishing in running his fingers through that hair.

"You can always talk to me, Riku. I... hope you know that."

Riku took Sora's free hand, and held it in his own, his grip almost fierce.

"I'm completely broken, Sora. Sometimes... I just don't want to be alive anymore. I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud of the fact that I can't remember the name of every person I've had sex with. It makes me _sick_ to think about what I did to my parents... I must've worried them for so long." Riku choked on his words. "You... you're parents didn't accept you, love you even. But I had all that. They were fine with me being gay, they loved me unconditionally. But I just _had_ to fucking prove that I was grown up.

"They'd grounded me, Sora... And I snuck out to go drink. Because it was _cool_. Because I was _too grown up to be grounded._ How much of a fucking child can one person be?" Riku was crying fully at this point, squeezing Sora's hand like a lifeline. Sora could only feel his heart breaking. "I came home, the next day, Sora, and they were _dead_. The cops had to tell me they were _dead._ And they died because a_fucking drunk driver_ hit them, while they were out looking for me, because I wouldn't answer my phone. It's my fault! God, it's all my fault!

"And now look at me! How the fuck could they be proud of some insane son who gets insane ideas, and blows all their money on shit like _a camera_ and _expensive photo editing __**shit **_and all the other crap I've gotten so hyped up on doing and then just _gave up_ on! I'm such a fucking maniac! God... God dammit!"

"Riku! Riku, you've got to snap out of this!" Sora tried, knowing his friend was getting absolutely hysterical. Maybe he should have left him in bed... No. That would have been even worse. "So you made some mistakes... Riku, you're not crazy! You've been through something horrible... Having people that love you more than anything, and then losing them? I can't even imagine..." Sora stopped, thinking of how he would feel if something were to happen to Riku because of him.

He wasn't surprised when a weight dropped from his throat to his gut at the thought, and he felt his own tears begin to prickle at his eyes before he blinked them away, refocusing on the man who was falling apart in his lap.

"Sora... you're all I have. That's... That's why I was so scared and thought that people were shooting you." Riku seemed to have calmed under Sora's words, and only spoke after several minutes of tearful silence.

"But everything turned out okay, didn't it, Riku?" Sora said, soothingly.

Riku nodded.

"Sora... you... you're the first one that hasn't completely run away..." Riku stopped himself, nuzzling into Sora's stomach, trying not to break again.

Sora's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

Riku suddenly sat up, turning to face Sora.

"I have to tell you, Sora. I don't know about anything, I'm confused all the time, and I'm fucking crazy. But I do know one thing... I need you in my life." Riku hesitated, looking away from Sora. "I want you... to be more than my friend. I want you to be _with me_."

Sora could only sit, completely shocked.

"Ri, I... I don't..." Sora fumbled with words, unfamiliar with such overwhelming emotions.

Riku only started to cry again.

"Riku... I want... I want the same thing..." Sora said, very hesitantly, attempting to touch his friend's shoulder. Riku pulled away as if Sora were a blazing fire._But I need you to calm down._

Riku stopped him before Sora could say another word. "There's always a 'but' though, isn't there, Sora? You're just gonna run away too... I'm always _too intense_, _too __**needy, **__too __**crazy!"**_ Riku shouted, standing up and walking quickly toward the bedroom where his shirt and jacket lay over a chair (where Sora had neatly placed them the night before).

"Riku, wait! That's not what I meant..." _You __**are **__intense, but I can handle it... You just need to get some help..._

"Fuck you, Sora!" Riku shouted, before slumping helplessly. "I have to go. I can't stay here."

"Riku! RIKU, just **stop**!" Sora shouted after the other man, deciding now was not the time to search for a jacket, because wasn't it _summer_, shit, his mind wasn't even working.

Riku turned, and walked out of Sora's door.

* * *

Sora didn't know what to do.

He decided Riku would come back soon, and that he needed to be there when the silver haired man got home.

It only took the brunet ten minutes to realize that Riku was not just going for a walk to cool off - Riku wasn't coming back. Sora paced around his apartment for another five minutes, running his hands through his hair and trying to logically think about where Riku might have gone. He remembered Riku saying he lived in the building across the street and two buildings down... Even though, strangely enough, Sora had never actually been to Riku's apartment.

It took thirty minutes of bargaining and a fifty dollar tip to get the front clerk to give Sora Riku's apartment number. But when Sora pounded on the door, he got no response. Desperate, Sora rammed the door with his shoulder, shocked and startled when it gave to his weight and he was thrown into Riku's space.

Everything around him was purely Riku... but all of it was dusty from a lack of Riku's presence. It was a studio apartment, Riku's shit scattered all over the floor. Old black and white films littered the silver haired man's bed, though the camera was presently in Sora's room. Clothes were strewn everywhere, but the kitchen was clean and slightly dusty from disuse.

It was obvious that Riku wasn't there and hadn't been there.

With no cellphone, Sora felt completely helpless.

Despite all that (after sealing Riku's door as well as he could) he just started to walk. He walked past the bus stop where he had seen Riku get off; he even made it to the one where they first met, the night he ran from his parent's party.

_What's so fucked about your life that you can't smile?_

He walked past the restaurant where the two often stopped for coffee.

_"You have shit on your face." Riku stated. Sora looked surprised._

_"Huh?"_

_The man with aquamarine eyes sighed. "Here." _

_Sora couldn't help the blush that stained his cheeks as Riku smudged away some of the chocolate resting innocently on the corner of the brunet's mouth._

_Riku only smirked at him. "You really aren't used to guys touching you much, are you?"_

_Sora smiled, and shook his head, thinking about his blush and the tingle Riku's fingers left on his face. "Yeah, I guess you're right."_

And hour passed. Sora sat on the bench in the park they frequented, holding his head in his hands. _Riku, where __**are **__you?_

_"See that kid over there?" Riku pointed in the distance with his cigarette. "He's falling all over his face about once every five minutes."_

_Sora had laughed, and then felt mischievous. "You're kind of a pervert, aren't you Riku? Staring at little kids and all?"_

_Riku snorted. "You're only saying that because you were __**totally**__ that kid when you were little. Clumsy ass."_

_Sora's smile faded slightly. "Actually, I didn't get to be that kid for long. Mom had me take lessons, after a while... On how to be more graceful." Sora shrugged at Riku's disbelieving stare. "It was more normal for me not to be such a klutz."_

_Riku only shook his head. "You're upbringing was really fucked up, you know?"_

_Sora's smile disappeared. "I know." He said sadly, before getting an idea. "So let's go be kids again! We'll go swing, and go down the slide." He said excitedly, his face instantly brightening._

_Riku laughed. "We'll really look like pedophiles, but whatever." He snuffed out his cigarette in the near by trashcan. "Let's do it."_

_Two grown men on swings? Whatever._

Riku'd shown him just how much of a kid he still was. Sora was still innocent in a lot of ways, still wanted to just play all the time. He hadn't even known it until he met Riku... Sitting around and watching movies, playing video games he sucked at... He was having more of a teenage-hood in a few months at age twenty four than he'd had in his entire stay in Slenderwood.

_Sora tried really hard not to breathe too fast. This was so stupid! The movie was probably fifty years old, so honestly, how scary could the monster __**be?**_

_"Sora, you okay?" Riku asked, eyeing his friend quizzically._

_"M'fine," Sora mumbled, squeezing his pillow to him tightly._

_"Oh. Okay."_

_The brunet was completely surprised when the slightly older man was suddenly pinning him to the couch, looking at him evilly._

_"Scared the monsters are gonna get you?"_

_Sora's face was as red as a tomato. He thanked whatever god there was that it was dark in the room._

_"N-no, that's not it, I just get nervous-"_

_But then Riku's fingers were dancing on his sides, and Sora was laughing so hard he almost wet himself._

God, he missed Riku.

Riku was the one who'd shown him what the world was really like. That there _were_ fucked up people, and that it was okay for Sora to be one of them.

But there was something _wrong _with Riku. Sora had known from the start that the other man was special, but there was something that was way over the top about his friend. The amount of intensity Riku had... it was dangerous.

Not for Sora, really. Sora actually didn't care too much about himself, which he thought was rather sad. Sora was concerned that Riku might hurt _himself._

The paranoia, the obsessive spending of money, that horrible _depression_ Sora'd seen in him... It was like asking for Riku to do something drastic.

With those thoughts, Sora's feet picked up the pace. He was trying to get back to his apartment, to see if Riku had come _home _to him yet. After all, it'd been at least - Sora checked his watch - three hours since the only person he'd ever loved had stormed out on him in a depressive fit.

When the brunet man arrived home, he was frantic. He opened his door with trembling hands, having left it unlocked in case Riku came back, and burst into his own apartment. His eyes searched wildly for Riku, and found him sitting in a small puddle of blood on his kitchen floor, a knife sitting next to him. Three deep cuts marked his ankle as Riku sat, slumped, his head in his hands, not making a sound.

"Riku!" Sora said, collapsing next to the man on his kitchen floor, pulling him into a hug. "God, Riku. Thank god, thank god you came back." Sora's whole body was shaking, and he could feel himself on the verge of weeping. "I want it too, Riku. I want to be with you. But you can't stay like this... And I can help you! I can afford help, everything will be okay..." Sora said shakily, his hand reaching out and gently covering the fresh wounds. "Riku... why?"

Riku shook his head. "I'm so messed up. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... But when I left I thought you didn't want me..." He said, looking at Sora with eyes rimmed red from tears. Sora could smell the alcohol on Riku's breath. "I went to a club. I dunno which one, so don't even ask. I just went, and I found somebody, I needed somebody, _anybody_..." Riku's eyes left Sora's. "I took him home... I was going to..." He stopped, unable to say it.

Sora swallowed, feeling his heart break, but trying to keep it together long enough to save Riku.

"It's okay-"

"It's not okay!" Riku shouted suddenly. "_Look at me! _What the fuck am I doing? I know that you're what I want, and there I am ready to fuck another guy - until I start crying and kick him out. And then I come here, and I know I've lost you, because _fuck_ I'm so insane... Another person, how can you even think to forgive that, Sora? God I love you, and look at me! I _almost fucked him._"

Sora looked at him sternly, grabbing Riku's chin and forcing him to look at his friend. "But you_ didn't_." Sora shook his head, gathering Riku in his arms awkwardly (despite his claims, he _was_ a good deal smaller than the other man). "But Riku, _why _did you do _this?_" He asked, gesturing to the blood now drying on his floor.

Riku's body shook, like he wanted to cry, but he didn't. "I don't know, Sora. It... this just happens, sometimes. I feel so worthless... And I deserve to hurt, I guess. I had to hurt. Or something. I don't understand... I don't get it. I wish my brain would just... SLOW DOWN!" He half-screamed, holding on to Sora like he was the only thing keeping him from going completely crazy.

Which was, more than likely, entirely true.

"We'll fix it all, Riku," Sora said gently, pulling back. He took Riku's cheek in his hand, and gently turned his face towards his own. "I promise, it will all be better. I'll help you." And after a moment, Sora smiled. "I love you."

Sora's lips were placed gently on Riku's and the two men held the chaste kiss for minutes, just gently pressing and moving lips in a promise.

Everything would be okay.

* * *

Four months later, Riku and Sora stood in front of a small building they were going to rent, to start up a cafe. Riku's arms snaked around his boyfriend's waist, and in return the brunet snuggled against him.

"I told you everything would be okay." Sora said, smiling at their reflection in the glass window.

Riku smiled back at him, but his eyes were somewhat serious. "It's still on it's way to being okay," He started, pausing for the right words. "This bipolar thing is something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life... And sometimes, despite everything, the boredom and anxiety get _so_ difficult to manage. _God_ I don't want to have to fight every day..." Sora's smile faded a bit, but then Riku turned the brunet around to face him. "But, you know Sora, I think I've finally found something _right_. And I think I can live with that."

As they kissed lightly, Sora thought to himself, _Me too._

_ Fin._

* * *

Just a short story I did for cathartic purposes. I've been where Riku was, and it was not a very pretty sight. But really, in the end, things do turn out okay. :)

Notes: Okay, I'm just going to explain a few things because it's all probably a little confusing for people who aren't familiar with the mood episodes that can be involved with Bipolar disorder. I really only want to touch on one thing: sometimes, in what I like to call a "mixed-state," depression and hypomania/mania cause chaos simultaneously. This is what accounts for Riku's paranoid delusions about the thunder being gunshots/visual images of Sora being hurt. Its like every bad thought in your head works like this: instead of going from point A to B, it goes from point A to 12, linking something only slightly related to that thought and making it become more in sync with the original thought. Because thoughts are racing too fast to really keep up with, things begin to lose meaning and reality becomes skewed, because what is happening becomes mixed confusingly with what is being thought. Thus, Riku assosiates: feeling fear + feeling guilt about past actions people out to get me. People out to get me + fear + hearing thunder --leads to-- fear + gun shots fear + danger --leads to-- fear + Sora hurt --leads to-- panic. Anyway, that probably doesn't make any sense... but yeah. I tried.


End file.
